my life my rules

I'm coming out of this lockdown with Lesser hair Tighter clothes Roughened palms Aching calf muscles Dried up skin Puffed up eyes Hardened heart Lightened soul Messed up hormones  I became more judgemental less caring more indifferent less tensed more irritated Yes, I am organized, but No, I did not make any new habits, nor exercised every day. Yes, I cooked every single day, very tasty meals, but No, I did not eat on time. Yes, I worked from home, even on weekends, but No, I did not learn any new skills. Yes, I did not have a single minute for myself, but No, I did not crib, I still wrote, I still drew, I still read. This lockdown did not teach me great stuff but reinforced many things to make me a better person. 

I am in a stage of life, where I feel weird most of the time. So the mid-life crisis I am referring to here is not the financial crisis but a mental crisis. A feeling that I am not able to understand, articulate, express, and not settle with nor accept it. So yeah, coming to what this is... (to be really frank, there were hundreds of situations I felt will fall under this post, but when I really sit to write, I am just lost in thoughts. It's already day 3 I started writing this.. Phewwww) I want to be this queen bee. Bossing around people. Standing tall. Always setting right and high standards to others. Be extremely disciplined. Fix everything in my life, from health to relationships to career to hobbies. Want to get everything done. On the other side, I want to be this little child. Who does not know where she is going. Laughing around with people. Having fun. Being played at. Being teased at. Not want to do anything. Watch the skies moving, leaves dancing, birds chirpin...