I am in a stage of life, where I feel weird most of the time.
So the mid-life crisis I am referring to here is not the financial crisis but a mental crisis. A feeling that I am not able to understand, articulate, express, and not settle with nor accept it.
So yeah, coming to what this is...
(to be really frank, there were hundreds of situations I felt will fall under this post, but when I really sit to write, I am just lost in thoughts. It's already day 3 I started writing this.. Phewwww)
I want to be this queen bee. Bossing around people. Standing tall. Always setting right and high standards to others. Be extremely disciplined. Fix everything in my life, from health to relationships to career to hobbies. Want to get everything done. On the other side, I want to be this little child. Who does not know where she is going. Laughing around with people. Having fun. Being played at. Being teased at. Not want to do anything. Watch the skies moving, leaves dancing, birds chirping, rain falling, sun shining and time tiking.
I want to be this know-it-all lady don. Have the power of knowledge and an aura of confidence around me. On the other hand, I want to be this curious cat. Not knowing a bit and curious of everything and wanting to explore depths of small things with wide eyes.
I want to smile with teeth inside and only with the eyes. On the other side, want to laugh out loud not just with eyes, with all my heart.
Sometimes I want to settle in life. Bus hogaya kaam. Fix to this and keep rising up the ladder and earn more money, after money rules it all. And the same time, I feel, I need to explore myself. Read more, paint more, dance more, sing more, write more. Not go anywhere and sit there and just enjoy the beauty of life.
More often than not, I want to be this perfect house maker. The good girl of the house. The charming bahu and pleasing everyone and someone whom the relatives go home and gossip about how I could do all this. More than the more-oftens, I want to be this rebel, who lives her life on her own terms, not compromising, not sacrificing and no drama.
One part of me wants no friends, no people around me and want a lone time all the time. i want to have no small talk with anyone and say on the face - Coss! come to the point. And one part of me longs me to get more and more well wishers and like-minds to chill. I want to hear endless beautiful stories of people. Want to extend small talks to long walks and drives.
One part of me is very practical and seems close to reality. And another part, rather the same part, wants me to be philosophical.
Nevertheless, I love both sides of me and I am the source of joy to whatever I am doing. I don't need anyone's appreciation, approval or sympathy to feel good about myself.
I am playing a game and once the moment is gone, it's gone. There is no way, I can replay the same game. Hence being conscious of whichever part I am at that moment, is what I chose.
